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Jokes By Judy

Judy and Fred Astaire Stories and Witticisms as Only Judy Can Tell ThemJudy and Fred Astaire

Like many others, I have found that Judy could tell a story better than anyone. Here are a few stories that I just couldn't resist passing along.

Judy on vaudeville: "Now, Happy Harry would stand in the wings, and the manager of the tour would make us wait all the way through Happy Harry's...act. Make sure we were ready, you know. And they'd play, buh-ruh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-ruh-buh-duh-duh, BA-RUM-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, BUM-BA-DUM-DUH-duh-dum-RUM-BUH-DUH-BUM, and he'd break through with "HELLOEVERYBODYTHISISHAPPYHARRY!" And he'd go on with the most terrible stories... well, this one time, they put him in one instead of two, which meant that he had only this much space between himself and the pit. And we were backstage as usual, as the Gumm Sisters, and they played, BUH-BUH, etc. and he went, "HELLOEVERY!..." RIGHT INTO THE PIT! He fractured his leg in three places very badly, and the manager was saying, 'Go on! GO ON!' And so we had to sing 'Dinah'. You know, we went, 'Dinah, is there anyone...' and this poor thing was down in the pit going, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Submitted by Sean Orlosky

Judy: "Thank you, thank you,thank you, and thank and don't forget next week! Old undependable Judy will be back!"

Submitted by Sean Orlosky

Supposedly Judy and her three children were being thrown out of a hotel for non-payment of their bill. The kids were standing around as Judy and a man from the hotel threw what luggage she was allowed to take into a car. Liza, very much the mortified teenager, refused to help. She stood a few feet away, leaning against the hotel doorway, re-fusing even to look at the proceedings. Finally Liza said, " I can't stand this, Mama. Truly. I'm going to kill myself." Without even looking at Liza, Judy threw another bag into the car and said, "Wait your turn."

Submitted by Bob G.

During the making of the film "Girl Crazy," Judy and Mickey would poke fun at each other's outfits for the day. While filming the "I Got Rhythm" number, Mickey told Judy she looked like a vanilla ice cream cone. So, because of Mickey's stocky stature, Judy told him he looked like a rationed bottle of katsup!

Submitted by Melissa Hughes

Judy on her show: "You know, I enjoy singing Irving Berlin songs so much, and so many of them that he's written are so lovely that I'm going to do one tonight that I wish I had done in the Carnegie Hall album...that album by the way did sell a million copies. I got my first Gold Record from it, and you've got to look out for them because they're terrible on your needle...

Submitted by Sean Orlosky

Judy to Jack Paar: "I was with some friends in Paris. There were four of us, Noel Coward and Jannette Spanier and her husband and Marlene was five. We were just sitting there in Marlene's....sitting room and in came Marlene with a great big record. A great BIG record and she says, "Oh dahlings..would anybody...would anyone like to hear my record?" And we all said, "Sure we'd like to hear your record." What were we going to say, "NO we don't want to hear your recoooord!." So we said, "Of course! We'd like to hear your record." So she puts the record on and it's just applause! There was no singing, no talking, just appluase! Not one NOTE of music! Just applause. And Noel turned to me and said, "I hope there isn't another side." AND THERE WAS!

It was 21 year old Robert Stack who beaued 17 year old Judy Garland on her first grown-up date. "I was so excited" Judy confessed, "that I started getting ready at four o'clock in the afternoon." Bob was supposed to call for her at eight; but nine o'clock came and went with still no sign of him. Judy was fit to be tied when the telephone finally rang. It was Bob, saying he couldn't find her house in the winding streets of Stone Canyon. "The number is right out in front," Judy started to say, when she remembered that the house had been newly painted and the number had not yet been replaced. "I decided not to take any more chances. We had a loudspeaker system in the house, so I hung it out the window and began broadcasting, 'Judy Garland lives here! This is the house where Judy Garland lives!

"We were doing something like ten shows a was exhausting. Mickey and I were the biggest thing in the country in 1940. Of course Louis B. did his best to keep it from us, but after a week of these vaudeville shows...with the people simply crushed into did begin to dawn on us...that maybe we weren't such a dud after all..."

The elaborate sequinned pants suit (the one Judy's wearing to the right) had been designed for the Valley of the Dolls, but when a baiting first- nighter bellowed, "Where'd you get that outfit?" Garland replied, "I made it myself".

Judy in seqinned pants suit

"Vincente? He snored...oh he snored dreadfully. I remember one night (hee, hee!)...he'd bought me this rather onyx ring. And one night his snoring just annoyed me so...I took the ring (Judy made a fist) and gave him a smack! Right across the bridge of his nose, and he went, Wraaaagghhhh! And I quickly... grabbed some blood and smeared it on the night table...and I said, "Darling, you must have turned in your sleep." We had to send for the doctor. The next day he went to the studio with his nose in a sling!"

During one of her 1968 concerts, a man impulsively called out "Marry me!" Without missing a beat Garland replied, "Marry you? With my record?"


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Last Major Update January 13, 1999 - Check For Most Recent Updates